HOW DOES THIS IMPATIENCE FUCK UP MY WELL-BEING?

I began driving to LA for the holiday at noon today. By the time I git to Del Mar the traffic was stop and go. I realized that many people are taking time off work to celebrate Thanksgiving for a number of days. I have a problem with patience-I have none!

I have been very impatient all my life. I am 68 years old, retired and have no deadlines to make. I have all the time in the world yet still I have an incredibly tense bout of anxiety when things don’t go as I plan. Which is often. 

When I am trying to achieve something or get something done I often slip into an “urgent” mode. My mother was an Urgent person. She had, I believe, PTSD. Her father molested her sister and tried to molest her as well. Growing up in fear will fuck you up. I also grew up in fear. My mother was alcoholic and very unpredictable and explosive. My brother who was almost 6 years older than me was reliably cruel and threatening. I believe I too, have a form of PTSD.  I never knew what to expect growing up but I was prepared to fight or flee whenever I was home. 

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Besides inheriting my mother’s anxieties I was also groomed to speed through life by a school system which encourages speed. Who can answer the math flash cards the fastest in class? Me. Fast is good, fast is praise worthy, fast equals “safe”.

At one level or another I know my impatience is sourced by fear. The response shows up in anxiousness, haste, tension and illness. We are not meant to run on adrenaline and I know that many of my health issues are directly related to a lifetime of of operating so frequently as if there is an emergency. Even with awareness of this problem I still find that it is an automatic reaction with me, deeply wired in at an early age. I don’t know if I will ever be able to change it. I’m sad about that. 

Racing through projects, journeys and even conversations is habitual and what is it that I hope to find once I finish these God Damned tasks? Peace and serenity. The irony is obvious; hurry up here and now so you can relax later.  But why not relax now, I ask myself.

The logical solution-says my mind-is to relax now as your are doing this, that or the other. All goals and tasks can be achieved with a relaxed energy; results are often better when I go slowly. I make less mistakes. And most importantly, I breathe easy and feel happier. 

The truth is that at this time in my life I have zero excuses for rushing. I’ve been retired with plenty of time on my hands for 6 years now. Perhaps it’s showing up so clearly now is because at 68 years of age I simply don’t have the energy and strength required to do things quickly anymore. Part of this has to do with the increasing physical and mental constraints that aging brings. But that is the subject for another piece. 

A Prayer

A PRAYER

...I am confused from the times 

I have broken open to 

The experience

And then closed down again.

I am bewildered;

Why would God taunt me with glimpses

Of heaven and then blind me again?

….who opens me?

…who closes me?

I want to blame God

Or thank him 

But who is really doing all this coming and going?

Half measures;

Half hearted attempts 

Yield half hearted results.

My life is mediocre,

I can do better than this,

I can go beyond myself.

My waters are stale,

I need to run like rivers run

Twisting and turning and reshaping myself

Like rivers reshape the earth.

But I take breaks, 

I go to sleep. 

I hold on to my old self,

I hide from my own intelligence.

I postpone and avoid,

I busy myself with unimportant tasks.

Meanwhile, 

I shame myself for living

A coward’s life. 

I say I am too tired. 

I say, my back is hurting. 

Excuses..

So easy to get lost

and stay lost,

Excuses.

Sometimes it is easy to justify 

Running from oneself. 

Sometimes I am so cruel to my self 

All I can do is run away. 

I am frightened all the time.

Fear seems to be my natural state. 

I came from a scary childhood. 

But now I am the adult. 

I am the father of this house. 

I make this house a safe place. 

I make this house a warm house. 

I make it dry when it rains,

I light the fire when it’s cold. 

I sturdy the walls. 

I sweep the floors and make these beds

To sleep in, 

I make these beds

Safe to dream in. 

My job is to provide

A safe place,

Warm and nourishing. 

My job is this and God’s will is this. 

And God doesn’t need me to be famous. 

God doesn’t need me to get applause from strangers. 

God doesn’t need me to impress others. 

God doesn’t need me to express his art. 

God doesn’t need me to write a poem

Or teach the masses. 

God wants me to love my family first. 

No-God wants me to love myself first!

God wants me to be kind and to create safety. 

God wants me to be reliable and dependable. 

God wants me to be a safe place for children

And a safe place for adults

And a safe place for my wife

And a safe place for my self. 

I create a world safe to play in

By becoming a safe man to be with, 

A man who accepts others as they are

 instead of judging them.

I create a safe world for me,

A world without judgments and criticisms.

I create:

A world safe to play in 

Or lay in

Sleep in and dream in. 

A world safe to explore. 

I am safe. 

I have God protecting me, guiding me, showing me the way. 

I have God blessing me and growing me. I have God and God has me. 

I surrender to his love and protection. I surrender to Gods light. I trust God. I trust light. I trust Spirit. I trust myself.

Today I pray for guidance and strength to carry out God’s will for me. 

I pray only for the knowledge of his will and the courage and strength to carry it out. 

 Amen. 

AFTER THE SWEAT

AFTER THE SWEAT

Washed clean of doubts in the 

lodge last night,

The moon rose smiling sideways,

The fire painted portraits of

 grandfathers in the hot stones,

Ancient hollow bones raise me up until

I am standing in the sky,

From here and now

I can see both present, past and future

clearly.

Impossible Feats

Return to me my faith

in man,

After all the broken words we speak,

After our daily mundane agendas are achieved,

After cruelty and selfishness...

A juggler does the impossible!

A piece of art blows your mind!

Or better yet,

You see a loving kindness,

A human being humane,

This is what inspires me

and drives me back, to sane.

LIGHT

 LIGHT

We are so afraid of death

we surrender the adventure!

Somehow for some reason 

or no reason at all

we choose to choose what we think of as safety

when in truth we are really choosing

fear,

Fear is running our lives

fear is what builds skyscrapers made of insurance policies

that are meant to assuage our fears but,

do they?!

Naw-

Fear is what we’ve been taught,

not on purpose 

cause we all know

parents love and they/we do the best we can

and all the rest but

we cannot teach what we cannot reach,

and fear my friends

is far from light,

and light is what all life reaches for.

Otter's Song: NO MORE ROLE MODELS PLEASE!

Otter's Song: NO MORE ROLE MODELS PLEASE!: 40115 When I was in high school my hero and role model was Clint Eastwood. So cool he didn’t even speak!  It was very important fo...

Otter's Song: NO MORE ROLE MODELS PLEASE!

Otter's Song: NO MORE ROLE MODELS PLEASE!: 40115 When I was in high school my hero and role model was Clint Eastwood. So cool he didn’t even speak!  It was very important fo...

JUST BY OPENING!

JUST BY OPENING

I was told to read something spiritual everyday

So I reached for Rumi but stopped-

A dog barked,

a crow squawked,

I stood and walked into the wild green world before me.

Why read poetry when you are

Surrounded by poetry?

Why read poetry when you can

Become a poem yourself

In an instant just by opening to the world around you.

1. 
   

THE UNENDING PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

                                       

                                         THE UNENDING PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

  I think it’s unfortunate that we here in the good ol U.S of A. have a holiday designated to remind us once a year to be grateful for all we have and are provided with. I think of the prior Native American cultures and their practice of thanking plants, animals, water, wind, etc. for nurturing and sustaining their lives and those of their families; every day of the year was Thanksgiving.  Their simple acknowledgement of the interconnections between themselves and Earth’s abundant resources providing for them resulted in the ritual expression of gratitude and prayer.

I think the practice of gratitude has far reaching effects on the lives of those who entertain it. I personally was raised with the “glass half empty” perspective and have spent a large part of my adult life letting go of the scarcity point of view and trading it for a “half full” point of view. The one results in a genuine and sustainable happiness, the other in discontent and restlessness. It initially surprised me to learn that gratitude precedes joy and not the other way around.

The pursuit of happiness promised us in the Constitution seems to have become a self fulfilling prophecy. Our culture is indeed addicted to a sense of scarcity and results in an  addiction to consuming more and more. The adage “looking for love in all the wrong places” can be substituted with our futile search for “happiness” in all the wrong places.   We are in fact, addicted and driven by marketing and societal brainwashing to continuously pursue happiness and briefly if ever, obtain it. Usually our happiness is superficial because it comes from a sort of temporary glow over our brand new, upgraded cell phone, laptop, car, shoes, etc. you fill in the blank. These purchases and accumulations don’t really get to the heart of our hearts resulting in the deeper joy and satisfaction we long for.

I have trouble with Christmas itself. The Scrooge is the icon for stingy self- centeredness. The Grinch another American “humbug” character. I wouldn’t be surprised if the origin of the Grinch was dreamt up by some marketing executive in a moment of inspiration. Let’s guilt the public into buying gifts for others in the name of generosity of spirit, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ. If you really contemplate it, do you think Christ would be promoting a once a year, buying and giving spree  rather then a continuous generosity born of genuine affection rooted in a daily spirit of love and appreciation?

Are we so consumed by the modern frenzy and speed of life on an average day? Alvin  Toffler wrote “Future Shock” way back in the early sixties. Have we stopped to notice the effects on our own health and well being of others from our over stimulated, compulsive “doing” and manically over-achieving society?  The symptoms of depression and anxiety are seen in our ever growing dependence on pharmaceuticals to mask and manage these symptoms. 

How would life here be different for us all if we began to be satisfied with owning the same car for 8 or ten years? Buying a house just large enough for the size and needs of our families instead of some extravagant castle?  Working only 40 hours a week and leaving ourselves time and energy to spend with our families in activities that nurture our bodies and souls?

Is it time to wake up neighbors? Wake up perhaps and see that the solution to the dilemmas we face economically, environmentally, physically, psychologically and spiritually are driven by our unbalanced manic racing towards “more, better, faster”.  When is enough enough? How is your peace and serenity doing?

Another obvious and fatal result of our frenzied lifestyle in our alleged ”developed nations” is our life threatening addictions like drinking, smoking, lusting and over eating to name just a few. On the other end of our dis-ease we are greeted by debilitating and/or fatal afflictions such as heart attacks, cancer and the myriad forms of illness that all to some degree or another suffer from. 

We are the only animals on this planet that do harm to ourselves, that knowingly practice unhealthy behaviors. How bad do things have to get for us all before we are willing to collectively stop, and take a united and realistic assessment of how our behaviors, beliefs and habitual ways of thinking are driving us toward extinction?  Call me an alarmist or a curmudgeon like Scrooge and keep your head buried in the sand  but if we don’t awaken to our unmindful self defeating actions now, we will continue to pay the price until perhaps we are no longer around to pay at all.

SADNESS

SADNESS

Comes in waves,

the sadness does.

We think there is no end to this

and there isn’t 

as long as your heart

is opened to all the world.

We are disconnected from our true selves

and from each other.

If you hide your grief

you hide your heart.

When you hide your heart

you imprison your joy.

Grieve for your losses,

Grieve for all our losses.

We are in this thing together

whether we allow ourselves the sensitivity

to feel it or not.

ICING ON THE CAKE

ICING ON THE CAKE

The soul works through the night

Posing possibilities to consciousness,

A dream readies the dreamer

For challenges to come,

Early morning stillness

Reveals the status of the man

To himself,

We are all awaiting the great arrival

Where the pieces of all journeys

Come together

Into one grand understanding,

We are hoping to breathe easy

Before our final ah ha!

Meanwhile, with all this heady poetry

Feigning depth and thoughtfulness

I have once again forgotten to thank God

For my life and all the attendant blessings,

My lust drives my thinking

And I wake up wanting more;

More of this or that

Or better,

And faster and then

Just a little more.

Not knowing how to slow or start

residing in this moment gratefully,

I stumble sideways,

wobbly, out of balance

tripping, crashing into and through

most events

Like some comic buffoon

Prat falling for laughs,

yet no one’s laughing,

especially not myself.

The performance ends,

there is no where to go and nothing more

 to grab onto,

All that I need I have right here,

Air to breathe is the first gift,

Everything after that,

Icing on the cake.