Monday, March 3, 2014

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Default faulty thinking:

... Growing up I was extremely enmeshed with my mother and I absorbed her posture to life which was one of fear. She was a terrified woman and she taught me how to think. Until recently, until I starting practicing Real Love i didn’t even know that I chose my thoughts and was responsible for the resulting feelings I felt. I see now that I need a terrific amount of frequent support from others who love me enough to listen to my ptsd default thinking and remind me that my fears are rarely real. I need others to love and encourage me when I can’t do that for myself. At the same time, I believe that a healthy, healed Harvey is one who is able to encourage and support himself….by himself. I am resisting the fact that I am very needy. I have shame around this and i am anxious to feel whole, complete and worthy without any help from others and yet, when I do allow myself to reach out and push thru my shame, I am always uplifted by the caring of others. Bottom line; I am not as confident, and emotionally stable as I’d like to be and I often “should” myself to be that way. 

My fear: moving away from Phoenix and the many friends who I get great support from scares me. In my history, I have never been successful at being sober and okay with my self when living alone. My sons are in college, I’m retired and divorced. I am afraid that once i relocate and settle in I will find myself suffering from chronic anxiety and depression. I never learned how to sooth myself…by myself. Uncertainty usually scares me and the truth is, outcomes in life are always uncertain. And, how I am choosing to think and thereby feel often feels (or I judge) out of my control. I have other beliefs that constrict my growth and happiness. One of the most devastating ones is the belief that the most/only really important thing in life is to find “the one”  to love and live happily ever after with. The flip side of this belief is that until that perfect romance happens I will feel incomplete and distracted by this “need”. I don’t seem to be able to visualize myself at peace and focused on goals other than love and the only “love” I know how to do is imitation love when it comes to dating. I am not comfortable or capable anymore of lying and manipulating for my own selfish gains anymore and I don’t yet know how to simply be honest and present myself as is while at the same time feeling compelled to “woo” the woman of my desire.  Limbo…uncertainty…fear.  Without  “the one” as my primary goal and motivator I don’t know what to shoot for. Don’t know how get fulfillment or a sense of direction and purpose without living for love or “outside validation”.  I know I am on my way to a happier more honest and healthy place but at times I am deeply discouraged.  The “this too shall pass” encouragement seems not to apply to lifelong negative postures to life. My thinking does change but definitely not as much or as quickly as I’d like it to.