It rings like a First Step to me and I look at it as the first true strong step I've taken in a long long time. I plan on reading this at group tonight. I know that this is what a coach would have me do and each of you has been my coach many times. Thank you for being patient and not quitting me although I have quit myself so often. read on...i am ok-
The past lives in me and because i have not allowed the pain from that past to fully express itself and rid me of old pain, old beliefs and limiting fears it manifests in my constant anxiety about the future, my future. And the future always looks like a repetition of the past because it is what in my past I have kept hidden from my own awareness and expression that gives it power over my present and the way I see the future.
The past has lived in me all these years because I chose not to “feel” the hurt. It is that simple. And if it is that simple than perhaps it is not too late, never to late to finally surrender to the truth of all that buried pain. I have only to remain willing to be open to it, to be vulnerable and to trust that feeling it and being “seen” by others in my pain will not result in my loss of anything except perhaps my endless depression.
All my false self esteem has alway required constant praise and encouragement from outside people and from outside accomplishments. My self worth had to be earned and the best and only way i could taste it, experience it even briefly was by entertaining and impressing others. Their smiles, laughter, approval and acceptance of the “performing” me seduced and addicted me to continuing to work hard for the approval and admiration but like so many “performers” who were empty of their own self love and authenticity I died when ever I was left alone without the applause of audience or the distraction of drink, and drugs, and sex and achievements, and television, and busyness. Idle hands are the devils work. Bullshit!
Idle hands and sitting still leaves me no escape from what has wanted to express and release itself all my life. Pain. That’s all. No need now even to name or explain the “why” of it. It’s here and I simply cannot run for it, I am too exhausted and despairing to run away from my pain any more. And I do know that this pain is not from my present life although more pain is created by my suppression and my avoidance of “self”.
Not living in the past but living “from the past” has been my bane. My past..all the hidden shadows locked away from awareness and admission; hidden by a belief that I should be ashamed of tears and of fear and what I judged, what the fucking world and culture judged to be “weakness”. The one thing a “real man” could never admit nor show.
Well. That show has to come to and end or there will be no change, no growth, no joy and no optimism for me. And i think I may be at the point that without change, I am no longer interested in living what feels to me to be a failure at living. The jig is up. And I pray that it stays up. i don’t want to be this shrunken crushed version of who I am meant to be. God grant me the courage and willingness to be real, to be truthful in and out of safe circles and rooms of recovery.
I have been blessed with love and mentors and others who have had to trek their own heroic journeys. i cannot live as a coward to myself any longer. I must reach out and be seen for all my fears and twisted beliefs about myself that hold me back from my own brilliant light and love. That’s all I’ve got. I suppose it’s all I need.
Nothing left here and now to say but..
Amen.
