LOST
Reading a passage in a book describing a girl in her twenties going through the difficult and scary process of determining where she wants to live, what work she wants to do, how to make herself happy-basically learn who she really is, I found myself beginning to cry. Why?
At 64 years of age I still feel pretty lost. Although I’ve done many things, some of which have been fairly satisfying, I’ve never really taken charge of my life with any kind of confidence or devotion. I have lived letting life bring me what it would and rarely choosing to strive for someone, something, etc. Except perhaps for personal growth, healing, enlightenment. And why I have always tread this road is because I have always felt uncertain and unfulfilled. Life has been good to me, easy really so I don’t know if I am supposed to “empower” myself and finally take on challenges that I’ve avoided for fear of failing and the inevitable bath in shame, or whether I just need to establish an attitude of acceptance and stop pushing myself to do or become something more.
My father mourned that I was “wasting my potential”. Because I had good grades, high IQ, popularity and good looks both he and my mother expected extraordinary things of me. Accomplishments and a life superior to the average Joe. So my default position in self regard has always felt like I was somehow still wasting my potential no matter what I chose to do and not to do.
I have made progress over the years with a self awareness that has resulted ini less self criticism and condemnation but, as I said-it is always just a slip away and since I rarely if ever live up to being a superior specimen of a man, the slip into unhappiness and anxiety comes frequently, regularly.
Am I lost? Or have I bought into a belief that I must achieve greater things than I have? I must become a celebrity with the discovery of my talents in writing, art or music? I must be a star so that I can absorb the adoration and applause of unknown people in crowds to feel good about myself. Even as I suggest this, I know well that this is co dependent thinking. If I need esteem brought into me form outside myself, it will leave as soon as the show is over. And that is already how I am and how I’ve been.
Happy and secure when the center of attention, when the stage is mine and others are listening and caring or laughing and enjoying me, and then...empty, fearful, lost when alone with myself. Is this about doing or being? Is the answer acceptance or achievement?
I answer my own questions here. I know at a gut level that the important thing is to actually love and accept myself as a new default position. From there, it won’t matter so much whether I succeed at this or that because my happiness won’t rely upon my “doings”.
Okay. Once again I have explained my mistaken thinking- a belief system that I have always subscribed to. Explained but is this awareness (which is not new) ever going to stick at a level deep enough to result in lasting sustainable peace and contentment?
I dunno. Many small steps, brief insights perhaps will and already have added up to progress.
To awaken in the morning without fear, without a compulsion and need to choose the correct activities as if my happiness depends upon those choices. Wouldn’t it be nice to start the day without anxiety, and instead with gratitude go about fearlessly and joyfully enjoying all the moments that make up each day. Ya. Guess so-
