Radish Sandwiches

Radish Sandwiches

September 9, 2011 at 7:30pm

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my mother used to slice radishes thin and then scatter them aboard a slice of buttered wonder bread. what a strange lady. There was rarely a moment when residual smoke wasn’t curling out of her well defined nostrils. As a kid I thought, “Dragon”. Very cool.

but really more like a witch, a frightened and pissed off witch. she had good reason to be frightened; her father molested her sister and tried to do her too. Held him off with a steak knife, so she said.

there was always a cigarette burning in one or more rooms at the same time. Viceroys. Charcoal filter. Add a little carcinogenic to the lung cancer eh?

slowly but surely televisions, small ones appeared in every room and they were on, always on.

at 4 o’clock she would stop cleaning and recleaning the house and have her first of two martinis, dry-no vermouth.

Dinner was an uncertain time. She might attack my father. Really about the only time he was home and available to be attacked. She was so very angry. She was so very needy. She needed to be needed and he hid away at his office, poker games with the guys, fucking his secretary. I like how the word “secret” is in secretary. But nothing stays secret forever. Secrets scald and burn and change people when they reveal themselves. Secrets change the course of lives, someitmes in good ways, sometimes not.

Radish sandwiches on buttered Wonder bread; builds strong bodies...how many ways? Who knew there were so many memories waiting to be told in a radish sandwich?

I Will Run No More Forever

my loneliness is of my own making

i had walled myself away

from myself

and therefore from all

it is gray today and raining

inside and out

i let the sadness soak in

and flow out

i stand in water

i lay down in this water

my water

i am soaked in sadness

washed by my own compassion

drenched to the bone

to my soul,

let it rain let it rain let it rain

i will run no more

forever…

       amen

I AM THE ONE

i was taught to fear life

and myself

i was taught to judge

condemn and exile 

parts of myself

i am learning to embrace those parts

and welcome them home

for i am the home

i alway searched for

and i am the one

whose love

i need.

ALL YOU ARE IS LOVE

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ALL YOU  ARE IS LOVE

What if……our bodies and all material aspects of our world were made from energy? what if everything was really made of the same stuff just VIBRATING;  and the differences in physical form were the result of faster and slower vibrations? And what if, we call this energy one of the many names we have for God? What if another name for God was simply LOVE?  What if everything that is created is created by love? What if energy is neither created or destroyed; it simply changes form?

What if there is no death but instead simply a transition into another form? And what if there is a cohesiveness to this energy that although connected and connecting with other forms of energy, keeps its integrity through all transformations? What if who you truly are…soul, spirit, essence (whatever) morphs into other forms; perhaps plants or light or a new born physical body?

SO

If any or all of this is true or even if you just decide to make this your belief (replacing other metaphysical beliefs, I mean, what is it that you really know for sure except for "nothing") If you would realize/decide that at your own essence you are LOVE.  And you choose to believe this because none of your other beliefs work to bring you peace. And in order to be authentic and true to your truest truth, you would operate in this world from the energy of LOVE. And when ever you lost your way and fell into judgments, attacks, and other forms of fear you would become disturbed and discontent. And the cure for this disturbance is the remembrance and EMBODIMENT of who you really are.  And by choosing to believe that in fact you are an expression of God/Love you experience joy, serenity and complete fulfillment; in a word that elusive thing we call "Happiness".

In conclusion, 

what if All You Need Is Love and the Beatles were just 4 disciple minstrels singing the Universes' truth? What if what is even more accurate and essential to know is that...

ALL YOU ARE IS LOVE?

ALL YOU  ARE IS LOVE

Grief is sacred,

It speaks from the depths of our losses

and the core of our humanness,

It is loves’ remorse for not embracing more often

And more fully

Those we loved and those we neglected to love

while we had the chance.

Grief is holy, 

It is love too late for our beloved

yet just in time for our selves.

Grief is the hearts truth,

It is love itself weeping for all

That we can no longer love

and again, 

for those we could have but didn’t.

Grief is a healing balm

Exuded from our wounds 

and for our wounds,

It admits ones’ true vulnerability and sensitivity

to oneself and the world at large. 

Grief is accountable,

an admission of every selfish 

thought or action

We did or did not take.

Grief is the rightness

that forgives us our wrongs

and though it often comes late…

It is never too late.

REFLECTING

Nothing is missing here..

i am freed of all ambitions

having only the gentle signals of my body

guiding me to care for myself:

food and rest and roof,

everything else is 

 icing on my life,

i have evicted false ideas of who I am, 

Exiled all my shoulds

And am left now with an

infinite silent emptiness,

i am that perfectly still surface 

of the pond 

reflecting the vast unmoving sky,

now i am the vast sky, 

and now, 

I am what lights the sky.

What if...?

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Anger, upset, unhappiness all hinge on this belief that the things that happen in life to and around us “SHOULD” be different than they are. We react thoughtlessly and automatically in ways we have been programed to react. We have been brainwashed into thinking that life should be FAIR and that some things and some people are bad and some are good and that there is always a right and wrong. We assess the actions of ourselves and others and make them the foundation of our attitude toward life and judgments of one another.

Happiness is invisible and silent. No eyes or ears are needed to detect it, to experience it. Happiness is all that anyone anywhere wants for themselves and for their children and happiness can not be found, it can only be created. It is a very simple thing really, to create your happiness; all you have to do is choose it. Maybe it’s more accurate to say, “think it.”  An event or interaction occurs and we automatically assess it and accept or reject it based on our programming. Because we have had perspectives so deeply enculturated into ourselves we usually don’t even consciously  think about how we feel-about how TO feel. We just go to the default emotion that is based on what we have been taught to believe. Given the scarcity of health and happiness among humans it is safe to conclude that what we have been taught to believe is guaranteed to render us unhappy most of the time. 

We are either wishing things were different or trying to futilely change others and the reality presented to us. The serenity prayer instructs us to a point but changing the things that we can change does not make us happy either; it might make us feel powerful and temporarily satisfied through achievement but the only  way to create a sustainable happiness is to change the way we interpret reality. If we take the good/bad, right/wrong out of our thinking then judgments disappear. Without judgments we cannot choose what to accept and reject. Things just happen. Period. Shit doesn’t happen. Life happens. Death happens (sort of..).

We cannot control what we see or what we hear but we can learn to control the invisible world of what we feel. We can begin to consciously choose how to respond emotionally to the happenings around us. Desires do not present a problem unless we pout when they do not manifest. I’ve heard the word “preference” is far preferable to “desire”. 

What if we approached life with eyes wide open, innocent and as free from judgments as a new born. What if we were to experience the miracle of this world with the wonder of a child knowing nothing? What if everything we think we know is useless and even detrimental to how we feel? 

Just sayin...

God in a Tree

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What is the great returning sadness? Some act of passion glimpsed, a heart felt moment between people, a heroic moment of faith and courage by a human being, seen for what it really is...

A glimpse of God, a return to the vision too often surrendered...forgotten. We are so much more than we appear to be, so much larger and move loving than we pretend to be.

What is wrong with us? What keeps us from being true to ourselves-joyous and free, but the fear of the fear sourced judgments and condemnations of others? We so desperately need to feel accepted and connected to one another that we ironically disconnect from ourselves and our great unlimited hearts. And then we lose our light and our laughter. Then we cannot embrace each other; we have lost our loving arms to fear and wrap ourselves tight in our own frightened embrace. 

Our egos survive as our spirits perish.  We run about futilely trying to prove our worth to ourselves; perhaps we can achieve something that will finally confirm that we are good and brilliant and deserving of love. We are lovable at every moment. Lovable and valuable, sacred. Sacred even as we wander and stumble, lie and hide. Lovable as every child is lovable. 

Today I wrap my arms around my self and I keep them there no matter what I feel or think or do or not do. There will be many who cannot love me in my weakness and fear but those who can...those who do will join one another in the long journey back to who we really are.

THE ONLY RELATIONSHIP THAT AFFECTS UR LIFE IS THE ONE YOU HAVE WITH U!

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I wonder if I will someday wake up and feel excitement towards the day? I wonder if I will get up with an enthusiasm for whatever will come my way?  

For so long I have awakened with trepidation, fear and even dread at times. Life seems so arduous. I have a habit of feeling unfairly victimized which means I have a habit of stamping my feet, pouting, feeling sorry for myself and or getting depressed and despairing when things don’t go as I want them to go, when I am inconvenienced...

It is no trick to breath a sigh of relief or feel the presence of God when the lights are green, the parking place is there, unexpected money comes to you, our children get an award, your favorite sport team goes to the playoffs, etc. It is so easy to be happy with life when life accommodates me. We were taught to expect things from life and when life shows up differently we were taught to become unhappy. We were taught to try to change things. We were taught to judge and criticize others and the state of the world. We were taught to try and make the world a better place by behaving ourselves. By being “appropriate”. Now there’s a word that can attack anyone anywhere without warning. 

My mission is/was; to create a world safe to play in by living fearlessly and interacting from an open heart with all my relations...

....laziness is fear. It is a way to permit myself to run from what I do need to do. The choice comes first, then the first step, and then...all the rest gets easier. You gather momentum. You become unstoppable. You crash into victory no matter what the endeavor results in because the victory is in the process itself. 

You travel forward into the unknown. This brings the adventure you long for. This opens your life up to surprises, challenges, victories and defeats. All outcomes judged become measurements of ourselves and whether we accept or reject ourselves.  Results do not define our worthiness-we determine how happy we are to be ourselves and success is lovingly accepting our current reality as it is here and now. Pain is mandatory and occurs now and again. Self rejection, reality rejection creates a tension which depresses and eventually sickens our body. 

 As long as we show up and put ourselves out there...as long as we risk the judgements of others...until we learn that right and wrong and good and bad are just ideas created by those fearful folks in authority (parents, teachers, law makers)  to control us so that they feel safer...until we decide that whatever we do or don’t do requires absolutely no self assessment...we will continue to regret the past and fear the future and live in our heads instead of in this moment, fully present and open heartedly. 

Love and joy is a by product of living freely. You can do no wrong; dance your dance and sing your song!

amen

Stop and...

FATHERS' DAY JUNE 16, 2013

Dad‘s Eulogy

I never did sing for my father,

While he could hear,

Nor did I dance for him

That he might see me celebrate

His strength, courage, integrity.

For far too long

Did I imagine him against me,

And so decided

To be against him.

He did not love me

In ways I wanted,

I needed him closer 

To set me straight.

I grew crooked

Without his attention..

Remembering him now though,

Straightens me.

My father never quit a thing,

Complained, or shed a tear

 For himself.

Holes in his socks,

A drunken wife,

Five children and he stayed.

I never honored my father

For pulling the wagon

That was his family,

Dutifully day after thankless day.

My immigrant father,

Peasant farmer,

Cosack survivor,

Who measured men from the neck up..

after 96 years

has finally fallen.

I sit with him in his final hours

With nothing left to say.

He is gone without a word,

to that place i don’t exist,

I place my hand upon his once broad forearm

a single tear rolls down my cheek and suddenly,

 “He’s Awake!”

And startled back to here and now.

“I know you! “ he exclaims,

Smiling and alert,

“Why you’re my number two son, Harvey!”

A leap of heart,

A flood of joy,

An ocean of tears..

All I ever really wanted from my father

Was for him to see me.

---

FATHERS' DAY PRAYER

COVERT ADVICE FROM A FATHER TO A SON

COVERT ADVICE FROM A FATHER TO A SON

It’s an interesting game 

this thing we call life

it will challenge and bring you 

to struggles and strife

we forget who we are

in our need to belong

we abandon ourselves

to be part of the throng

some get it right

but most have it wrong

unite with your own self

and sing your own song

there’s a way to connect

without losing your head

choose sometimes to follow

when you trust where you’re led

through kind hearted actions

and not what is said

your soul is your own

so be sure it gets fed

don’t sell out for the pleasures

that come and then go

keep in sight of the light

don’t get lost in the glow

or seduced by the ego 

what you think that you know

be true to yourself and 

don’t play tell and show

surrender desires

and go with your flow

wash yourself of yourself

be like melting snow

come back to your wholeness

there is no where to go

remember that this 

hide and seek is a game

keep sight of your truth

don’t forget why you came

we are all so unique

yet we still are the same

don’t be held back by fear

or hidden by shame

don’t get lost in your ego

and kidnapped by fame

account for your choices

there’s no one to blame

through the valleys and shadows

hold tight to one name

be it allah or yahweh

mohammed or christ

hindi or buddha

or yoda, the force

they are all the same god

all from the same source

it was fun to go rhyming

and play with the words

this poem is profound

and this poem is absurd

a fathers advice

by a son can’t be heard

so step into your own shoes

away from the herd

listen hard for your hearts voice

become your own Nerd. 

Boston April 15 2013

Maybe we'd be better off if we didn't hear and see every horrible act we humans perpetrate upon one another. This Boston thing; nothing to do but weep. Hatred and anger striking blindly at no one in particular but breaking the heart of humanity.

Huh?

Huh?

Doesn’t your heart break open when

You think of all the people who

Don’t think of all the people whose

Hearts are broken because 

Of all the people who don’t think

Of all the people whose hearts are broken?

LOST

LOST

Reading a passage in a book describing a girl in her twenties going through the difficult and scary process of determining where she wants to live, what work she wants to do,  how to make herself happy-basically learn who she really is, I found myself beginning to cry. Why?

At 64 years of age I still feel pretty lost. Although I’ve done many things, some of which have been fairly satisfying, I’ve never really taken charge of my life with any kind of confidence or devotion. I have lived letting life bring me what it would and rarely choosing to strive for someone, something, etc. Except perhaps for personal growth, healing, enlightenment. And why I have always tread this road is because I have always felt uncertain and unfulfilled. Life has been good to me, easy really so I don’t know if I am supposed to “empower” myself and finally take on challenges that I’ve avoided for fear of failing and the inevitable bath in shame, or whether I just need to establish an attitude of acceptance and stop pushing myself to do or become something more. 

My father mourned that I was “wasting my potential”. Because I had good grades, high IQ, popularity and good looks both he and my mother expected extraordinary things of me. Accomplishments and a life superior to the average Joe. So my default position in self regard has always felt like I was somehow still wasting my potential no matter what I chose to do and not to do. 

I have made progress over the years with a self awareness that has resulted ini less self criticism and condemnation but, as I said-it is always just a slip away and since I rarely if ever live up to being a superior specimen of a man, the slip into unhappiness and anxiety comes frequently, regularly. 

Am I lost? Or have I bought into a belief that I must achieve greater things than I have? I must become a celebrity with the discovery of my talents in writing, art or music? I must be a star so that I can absorb the adoration and applause of unknown people in crowds to feel good about myself. Even as I suggest this, I know well that this is co dependent thinking. If I need esteem brought into me form outside myself, it will leave as soon as the show is over. And that is already how I am and how I’ve been. 

Happy and secure when the center of attention, when the stage is mine and others are listening and caring or laughing and enjoying me, and then...empty, fearful, lost when alone with myself. Is this about doing or being? Is the answer acceptance or achievement?

I answer my own questions here. I know at a gut level that the important thing is to actually love and accept myself as a new default position. From there, it won’t matter so much whether I succeed at this or that because my happiness won’t rely upon my “doings”.

Okay. Once again I have explained my mistaken thinking- a belief system that I have always subscribed to. Explained but is this awareness (which is not new) ever going to stick at a level deep enough to result in lasting sustainable peace and contentment? 

I dunno. Many small steps, brief insights perhaps will and already have added up to progress. 

To awaken in the morning without fear, without a compulsion and need to choose the correct activities as if my happiness depends upon those choices. Wouldn’t it be nice to start the day without anxiety, and instead with gratitude go about fearlessly and joyfully enjoying all the moments that make up each day. Ya. Guess so-

IT'S GOOD TO BE (still) ALIVE !

                                                                    Beauty
is everywhere. Around a corner or in your face. Surprising and delighting you. Inspiring you to remember what a gift this life, this world is. Even those moments and events that seem to conspire to derail you from happiness, in the end serve only to grow you larger, stronger, more loving.

And love? I noticed recently that there are times I simply don't choose to be open and take in all the good love offered me by friends and strangers alike. This is not the cold world it sometimes appears to be. I have a say in how loved I feel and when I am not open, when I go thru my day and my night closed heartedly...I can feel alone and empty. Noticing that my happiness is due to the way I approach and interpret life and not necessarily due to what life presents with me.

Run out of gas and the person who stops becomes a gift of connection and a new friend.  Find yourself feeling sorry for yourself and unwilling to reach out and call someone and the phone rings and it's someone you haven't spoken to in a long long time, who is dear to you. Have a furious conflict with a family member and after processing with a focus on what "you" added to the battle, you return to the relationship a little more enlightened and knowing better how to remain in harmony, communicate respectfully and avoid the same response the next time you two disagree.

It's all good whether I know it then and there or whether I look back later with more clarity and insight.
All I need is to trust in a loving universe. When in doubt, hug yourself-when not in doubt, hug others!