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HOW TO HELP OTHERS (AND YOUR SELF) TO HEALTH AND HAPPINESS?
LEARN TO JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN
It occurred to me today during the 12 step recovery meeting I attend that the single most powerful tool available in this program of learning to love the self is the “No Cross Talk” rule.
Over the years I have progressed in switching or reprograming my thinking from self critical to self caring. The idea that we need to replace so much repetitive discouragement received from our caregivers, teachers and authority figures into self encouragement is one I find salvation in. Initially the fellowship, therapists and good friends can help buoy my spirits when I struggle with life’s continuing challenges but at some point, if I am to achieve a sustainable happiness and health, I must learn to generate encouragement for myself all by myself.
As i become my own coach and cheerleader I find that I am more independent and authentic, less likely to make you or anyone else my higher power.
Just as the best therapist would never answer your question or hand you a solution to an issue you struggle with, it’s essential to arrive at your own answers just as it is essential to trade self critical and condemning thoughts for caring forgiving, acceptant, thoughts. I make mistakes. I am human. I am okay. Better than okay, I am the best version of myself I can be at this time. And I will continue to better that version, increase my own happiness and ability to emit positive, constructive energy to a world sorely needing it on many fronts.
So-back to my opening remark. Personally, I have a tendency to fix others without being asked. When someone shares pain or difficulty with me instead of just listening I offer help; I offer the solution. By doing so, I have communicated to that person that they are Not Okay. Because if they were, I wouldn‘t be suggesting a tool or strategy to create change for them. So..when we listen to others without cross talking we are far more likely to simply be present and empathetic with that person. We make no judgment, we express no assessment; neither criticism or praise. The point being that each of us must learn what, when and how to criticize our own selves and when the healthy, caring thing to do is to praise and encourage ourselves. The later is always the place to conclude self talk and it is helpful, actually essential for a person to recognize their own shortcomings. When you point them out to me (unless I have requested help) then I will simply defend them; I mean who the hell do you think you are to point out my shortcomings!? Anyway, if I am not ready to see them for myself, I certainly am not ready to have you see them for me.
When we share to anyone truthfully and they are able to give us the gift of simply listening without “cross talk”, then there is no message sent to the speaker except this one, “I accept you” just as you are, warts and all. And as we are learning; all we want and need is to grow comfortable in our own skins with ourselves. Happy people, content people express and energy that is a joy and life affirming. Happy people have faith in themselves and the universe, which translate to a confidence in themselves that they are in charge on their destinies no matter what fate befalls them.
