Tuesday, December 6, 2011

#43: Fear of Shame




Attachment to outcomes has kept me from doing many things I wanted to do over the years. Fear of bad outcomes and failing has paralyzed me. The outcome behind the outcome of my performance is “your judgment” of my performance. That’s the one I worry about. Why?
Because I learned that what others think of me defines my worth or at least the measure of my performance. Even if you separate those two, if I don’t it’s a scary event for me. So, it has been my strategy to avoid even trying because I’m afraid that if/when I fail others will see and judge me and I will feel humiliation which is something I am terrified to feel. So it’s been all about avoiding the experience of shame. 
Up until today, I thought I needed to do it perfectly or not at all so I took no chances regarding things that were really important to me. I chose to do less intimidating things and often didn’t try too hard. If I didn’t care or try than I could avoid any possibility of experiencing disappointment in myself, i.e; failure. 
    But today I re realized that what you think about me and/ or my performance is of no significance-unless I give it significance. OMG! I have a choice!
Yes, I’ve read that and heard it and said it a hundred times but i didn’t feel it in my gut until today. 
It may sound simple to you but for me it was a lightening bolt to me. Instead of shrinking away ashamed when my “outcome” is not what I hoped it would be (what you hoped it would be) I can get back up as they say, like Edison and Colonel Sanders and try again. And again and again. The thinking that will help me to do this and change the way I operate is this,” I can measure my success by my courage, persistence, and my willingness to take the chance and confront the unknown (outcome).Today I can see that just taking action is my success.