NO MORE ROLE MODELS PLEASE!

40115

When I was in high school my hero and role model was Clint Eastwood. So cool he didn’t even speak!  It was very important for me to be accepted and approved of by my peers so I put forth a very cool exterior-at least what I then thought was cool. 

Then, after a break up with my high school sweetheart and a couple other punches to the heart my new role model was Spock; I chose to live in my head and close my heart off from future pain and disappointment. Heartbreak as they like to say. So now I presented myself in the world as someone invulnerable-someone who could handle life and whatever came my way. Or didn’t. Unhurtable. But as far as intimacy was concerned , incapable. I wasn’t aware of it at the time but this closing of the heart rendered me depressed for quite a while. No pain but no joy either…

Time marched on and circumstances changed and I found my self (gladly) a husband, father and employee in a job I loved. i was lucky to have been steered by the universe in spite of my attitude. 

25+ years later I find myself without a job, a wife and young children to define me to myself; things that gave me a sense of worth and solid roles to play. The question and situation now creates this question for me-“without roles, who am I-what defines me. 

Interesting as I look back I see that even while getting clean and sober after years and years of use and drug abuse, I still managed to put forth an image (of my current perception of cool). My new role model became Ghandi. A man of peace, generous with his time and love for others. This looked like the veteran Recovery Guy who sounded like he was very honest wise and happy in meetings. And I went to lots of meetings the past 15 years. The high achiever/low self esteemer was compelled to always keep up a false front because I didn’t think I could be loved/cared about by anyone unless I seemed fine. 

Pain wasn’t allowed in my family growing up. I know I’m not unique-just telling my story here for my own clarity. 

I’ve been propping up my ego all my life in order to appear okay, even happy. The truth is…I never developed a clear sense of identity or worth and these facades I live behind no longer work at all. 

As I see it. I have to get real and part of that involves revealing to others, myself and whatever God happens to be in my neighborhood-how I really feel, ALL of who I really am. Having a role model to emulate created a necessity of being who I am not. Then I would should and beat myself up every time I fell short of being what I imagined the particular role model to be. I'm done with roles and grateful that the curtain on this play has come down.