Tuesday, November 21, 2017

HOW DOES THIS IMPATIENCE FUCK UP MY WELL-BEING?

I began driving to LA for the holiday at noon today. By the time I git to Del Mar the traffic was stop and go. I realized that many people are taking time off work to celebrate Thanksgiving for a number of days. I have a problem with patience-I have none!

I have been very impatient all my life. I am 68 years old, retired and have no deadlines to make. I have all the time in the world yet still I have an incredibly tense bout of anxiety when things don’t go as I plan. Which is often. 

When I am trying to achieve something or get something done I often slip into an “urgent” mode. My mother was an Urgent person. She had, I believe, PTSD. Her father molested her sister and tried to molest her as well. Growing up in fear will fuck you up. I also grew up in fear. My mother was alcoholic and very unpredictable and explosive. My brother who was almost 6 years older than me was reliably cruel and threatening. I believe I too, have a form of PTSD.  I never knew what to expect growing up but I was prepared to fight or flee whenever I was home. 

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Besides inheriting my mother’s anxieties I was also groomed to speed through life by a school system which encourages speed. Who can answer the math flash cards the fastest in class? Me. Fast is good, fast is praise worthy, fast equals “safe”.

At one level or another I know my impatience is sourced by fear. The response shows up in anxiousness, haste, tension and illness. We are not meant to run on adrenaline and I know that many of my health issues are directly related to a lifetime of of operating so frequently as if there is an emergency. Even with awareness of this problem I still find that it is an automatic reaction with me, deeply wired in at an early age. I don’t know if I will ever be able to change it. I’m sad about that. 

Racing through projects, journeys and even conversations is habitual and what is it that I hope to find once I finish these God Damned tasks? Peace and serenity. The irony is obvious; hurry up here and now so you can relax later.  But why not relax now, I ask myself.

The logical solution-says my mind-is to relax now as your are doing this, that or the other. All goals and tasks can be achieved with a relaxed energy; results are often better when I go slowly. I make less mistakes. And most importantly, I breathe easy and feel happier. 


The truth is that at this time in my life I have zero excuses for rushing. I’ve been retired with plenty of time on my hands for 6 years now. Perhaps it’s showing up so clearly now is because at 68 years of age I simply don’t have the energy and strength required to do things quickly anymore. Part of this has to do with the increasing physical and mental constraints that aging brings. But that is the subject for another piece. 

Saturday, June 24, 2017

A Prayer

A PRAYER


...I am confused from the times 
I have broken open to 
The experience
And then closed down again.

I am bewildered;
Why would God taunt me with glimpses
Of heaven and then blind me again?

….who opens me?
…who closes me?

I want to blame God
Or thank him 

But who is really doing all this coming and going?

Half measures;
Half hearted attempts 
Yield half hearted results.
My life is mediocre,
I can do better than this,
I can go beyond myself.

My waters are stale,
I need to run like rivers run
Twisting and turning and reshaping myself
Like rivers reshape the earth.



But I take breaks, 
I go to sleep. 
I hold on to my old self,
I hide from my own intelligence.

I postpone and avoid,
I busy myself with unimportant tasks.

Meanwhile, 
I shame myself for living
A coward’s life. 

I say I am too tired. 
I say, my back is hurting. 

Excuses..

So easy to get lost
and stay lost,
Excuses.

Sometimes it is easy to justify 
Running from oneself. 

Sometimes I am so cruel to my self 
All I can do is run away. 

I am frightened all the time.
Fear seems to be my natural state. 


I came from a scary childhood. 
But now I am the adult. 
I am the father of this house. 
I make this house a safe place. 
I make this house a warm house. 
I make it dry when it rains,
I light the fire when it’s cold. 
I sturdy the walls. 
I sweep the floors and make these beds
To sleep in, 
I make these beds
Safe to dream in. 

My job is to provide
A safe place,
Warm and nourishing. 

My job is this and God’s will is this. 
And God doesn’t need me to be famous. 
God doesn’t need me to get applause from strangers. 
God doesn’t need me to impress others. 
God doesn’t need me to express his art. 
God doesn’t need me to write a poem
Or teach the masses. 

God wants me to love my family first. 
No-God wants me to love myself first!

God wants me to be kind and to create safety. 

God wants me to be reliable and dependable. 
God wants me to be a safe place for children
And a safe place for adults
And a safe place for my wife
And a safe place for my self. 

I create a world safe to play in
By becoming a safe man to be with, 
A man who accepts others as they are
 instead of judging them.

I create a safe world for me,
A world without judgments and criticisms.


I create:
A world safe to play in 
Or lay in
Sleep in and dream in. 

A world safe to explore. 

I am safe. 

I have God protecting me, guiding me, showing me the way. 
I have God blessing me and growing me. I have God and God has me. 

I surrender to his love and protection. I surrender to Gods light. I trust God. I trust light. I trust Spirit. I trust myself.

Today I pray for guidance and strength to carry out God’s will for me. 

I pray only for the knowledge of his will and the courage and strength to carry it out. 


 Amen. 

Sunday, April 23, 2017

AFTER THE SWEAT

AFTER THE SWEAT

Washed clean of doubts in the 
lodge last night,
The moon rose smiling sideways,
The fire painted portraits of
 grandfathers in the hot stones,

Ancient hollow bones raise me up until
I am standing in the sky,

From here and now
I can see both present, past and future
clearly.










Monday, April 17, 2017

IMPOSSIBLE FEATS

Impossible Feats

Return to me my faith
in man,
After all the broken words we speak,
After our daily mundane agendas are achieved,
After cruelty and selfishness...

A juggler does the impossible!
A piece of art blows your mind!

Or better yet,
You see a loving kindness,
A human being humane,
This is what inspires me
and drives me back, to sane.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

LIGHT

 LIGHT

We are so afraid of death
we surrender the adventure!

Somehow for some reason 
or no reason at all
we choose to choose what we think of as safety
when in truth we are really choosing
fear,

Fear is running our lives
fear is what builds skyscrapers made of insurance policies
that are meant to assuage our fears but,

do they?!


Naw-

Fear is what we’ve been taught,
not on purpose 
cause we all know
parents love and they/we do the best we can
and all the rest but

we cannot teach what we cannot reach,
and fear my friends
is far from light,
and light is what all life reaches for.






Saturday, April 1, 2017

Otter's Song: NO MORE ROLE MODELS PLEASE!

Otter's Song: NO MORE ROLE MODELS PLEASE!: 40115 When I was in high school my hero and role model was Clint Eastwood. So cool he didn’t even speak!  It was very important fo...