HOW DOES THIS IMPATIENCE FUCK UP MY WELL-BEING?

I began driving to LA for the holiday at noon today. By the time I git to Del Mar the traffic was stop and go. I realized that many people are taking time off work to celebrate Thanksgiving for a number of days. I have a problem with patience-I have none!

I have been very impatient all my life. I am 68 years old, retired and have no deadlines to make. I have all the time in the world yet still I have an incredibly tense bout of anxiety when things don’t go as I plan. Which is often. 

When I am trying to achieve something or get something done I often slip into an “urgent” mode. My mother was an Urgent person. She had, I believe, PTSD. Her father molested her sister and tried to molest her as well. Growing up in fear will fuck you up. I also grew up in fear. My mother was alcoholic and very unpredictable and explosive. My brother who was almost 6 years older than me was reliably cruel and threatening. I believe I too, have a form of PTSD.  I never knew what to expect growing up but I was prepared to fight or flee whenever I was home. 

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Besides inheriting my mother’s anxieties I was also groomed to speed through life by a school system which encourages speed. Who can answer the math flash cards the fastest in class? Me. Fast is good, fast is praise worthy, fast equals “safe”.

At one level or another I know my impatience is sourced by fear. The response shows up in anxiousness, haste, tension and illness. We are not meant to run on adrenaline and I know that many of my health issues are directly related to a lifetime of of operating so frequently as if there is an emergency. Even with awareness of this problem I still find that it is an automatic reaction with me, deeply wired in at an early age. I don’t know if I will ever be able to change it. I’m sad about that. 

Racing through projects, journeys and even conversations is habitual and what is it that I hope to find once I finish these God Damned tasks? Peace and serenity. The irony is obvious; hurry up here and now so you can relax later.  But why not relax now, I ask myself.

The logical solution-says my mind-is to relax now as your are doing this, that or the other. All goals and tasks can be achieved with a relaxed energy; results are often better when I go slowly. I make less mistakes. And most importantly, I breathe easy and feel happier. 

The truth is that at this time in my life I have zero excuses for rushing. I’ve been retired with plenty of time on my hands for 6 years now. Perhaps it’s showing up so clearly now is because at 68 years of age I simply don’t have the energy and strength required to do things quickly anymore. Part of this has to do with the increasing physical and mental constraints that aging brings. But that is the subject for another piece.