A Prayer

A PRAYER

...I am confused from the times 

I have broken open to 

The experience

And then closed down again.

I am bewildered;

Why would God taunt me with glimpses

Of heaven and then blind me again?

….who opens me?

…who closes me?

I want to blame God

Or thank him 

But who is really doing all this coming and going?

Half measures;

Half hearted attempts 

Yield half hearted results.

My life is mediocre,

I can do better than this,

I can go beyond myself.

My waters are stale,

I need to run like rivers run

Twisting and turning and reshaping myself

Like rivers reshape the earth.

But I take breaks, 

I go to sleep. 

I hold on to my old self,

I hide from my own intelligence.

I postpone and avoid,

I busy myself with unimportant tasks.

Meanwhile, 

I shame myself for living

A coward’s life. 

I say I am too tired. 

I say, my back is hurting. 

Excuses..

So easy to get lost

and stay lost,

Excuses.

Sometimes it is easy to justify 

Running from oneself. 

Sometimes I am so cruel to my self 

All I can do is run away. 

I am frightened all the time.

Fear seems to be my natural state. 

I came from a scary childhood. 

But now I am the adult. 

I am the father of this house. 

I make this house a safe place. 

I make this house a warm house. 

I make it dry when it rains,

I light the fire when it’s cold. 

I sturdy the walls. 

I sweep the floors and make these beds

To sleep in, 

I make these beds

Safe to dream in. 

My job is to provide

A safe place,

Warm and nourishing. 

My job is this and God’s will is this. 

And God doesn’t need me to be famous. 

God doesn’t need me to get applause from strangers. 

God doesn’t need me to impress others. 

God doesn’t need me to express his art. 

God doesn’t need me to write a poem

Or teach the masses. 

God wants me to love my family first. 

No-God wants me to love myself first!

God wants me to be kind and to create safety. 

God wants me to be reliable and dependable. 

God wants me to be a safe place for children

And a safe place for adults

And a safe place for my wife

And a safe place for my self. 

I create a world safe to play in

By becoming a safe man to be with, 

A man who accepts others as they are

 instead of judging them.

I create a safe world for me,

A world without judgments and criticisms.

I create:

A world safe to play in 

Or lay in

Sleep in and dream in. 

A world safe to explore. 

I am safe. 

I have God protecting me, guiding me, showing me the way. 

I have God blessing me and growing me. I have God and God has me. 

I surrender to his love and protection. I surrender to Gods light. I trust God. I trust light. I trust Spirit. I trust myself.

Today I pray for guidance and strength to carry out God’s will for me. 

I pray only for the knowledge of his will and the courage and strength to carry it out. 

 Amen.