#28

it’s been a long time since I had a day like today.

evidently I drank too much last night

with a good friend I had not seen in quite a while.

there was a lot to talk about and listen to.

many large things had happened

in a short time,

love...health...finances...

change,

we get tested

there is something to learn here

pay close attention to yourself

perhaps spirit is trying to break you open

for bigger things.

can you feel your feelings?

They have something to tell you, always..

#27

AFTER THE SWEAT

Washed clean of doubts in the 
lodge last night,

The moon rose smiling sideways,

The fire painted portraits of

 grandfathers in the hot stones,

Ancient hollow bones raise me up until
I am standing in the sky,

From here and now
I can see both present, past and future
clearly.

#26

I am lost

Everything is just the same

But I am not

What is happening,

Who am I now?

I brush my teeth

Put on my pants

Drink a cup of coffee

Pick up a book

Put down the book

Nothing feels the same

I pick up a paint brush

But have no paint,

The flute sounds hollow, 

I hear only air

I sit down to write and all I have to say is

I am lost

Maybe I have always been lost

What I thought was me 

was only distractions

I found myself in conversations

and busyness of daily chores

In listening to music or watching the sun set

I found myself in lust and fantasies of someday loves,

I knew I was here when you held me

But ceased to exist when you let me go

I found myself in  charity and in greed

In sloth and ambition,

I found myself in anger towards injustices

I found myself in the needy eyes of my dog

I found myself in the things I lost myself in

I found myself in my fears of being lost

I don’t know who I am..

My incentive is gone

I want to go back to sleep and live in dreams

Sit in this chair and rock

back and forth and go nowhere

I have no more questions

I have lost my mind (thank God)

there is no where to go

nothing to do

but sit and wait patiently

for my self to arrive..

Forgetfulness #25

#25

i keep forgetting i am God

which results in a great and sad frustration

I don’t mean to sound arrogant

I keep forgetting that you too are God

I keep forgetting God, altogether..

Which separates me from my wonder

at this miracle that is our world

When I do remember that I am God

I create my experience as i choose to

How God like to create my own world.

When I forget I am God (again)

There is nothing left to do

but return to the relentless search

Fatigue and despair eventually will take me

to my tears and drop me

to my knees

where I will suddenly, thankfully, joyously

re realize one more time

that i am God-

and damn! what was i thinking?

RADISH SANDWICHS #24

9911

my mother used to slice radishes thin and then scatter them aboard a slice of buttered wonder bread. what a strange lady. There was rarely a moment when residual smoke wasn’t curling out of her well defined nostrils. As a kid I thought, “Dragon”. Very cool. 

but really more like a witch, a frightened and pissed off witch. she had good reason to be frightened; her father molested her sister and tried to do her too. Held him off with a steak knife, so she said. 

there was always a cigarette burning in one or more rooms at the same time. Viceroys. Charcoal filter. Add a little carcinogenic to the lung cancer eh?  

slwoly but surely televisions, small ones appeared in every room and they were on, always on. 

at 4 o’clock she would stop cleaning and recleaning the house and have her first of two martinis, dry-no vermouth. 

Dinner was an uncertain time. She might attack my father. Really about the only time he was home and available to be attacked. She was so very angry. She was so very needy. She needed to be needed and he hid away at his office, poker games with the guys, fucking his secretary. I like how the word “secret” is in secretary. But nothing stays secret forever. Secret scald and burn and change people when they reveal themselves. Secrets change the course of lives, someitmes in good ways, sometimes not. 

Radish sandwiches on buttered Wonder bread; builds strong bodies...how many ways? Who knew there were so many memories waiting to be told in a radish sandwich?