Remember?

this grand event of sitting still, serene,

grinning lazily while channeling the warmth,

light and joy of simply being alive?

that incredibly gentle loving breeze

that tickles the skin,

the hairs on your arm flutter gracefully

while glee creeps wickedly up your spine..

so delicious!

We look for these things,

these reasons and ways to reconnect

with the wonder that keeps us rising at dawn,

heaving ourselves heavily out of blessed slumber,

resurrecting ourselves and rejoining the mundane routines

of our uncertain beings..

what happens outside of us

and to us

is not of any import at all.

It is all in how we connect

with what is,

it is all in how we see and feel what surrounds us.

What is it that you and I need

that keeps us rising and wandering and wondering?

We seekers of love

lost outside our own throbbing boiling cores,

continue to search and reach outward

for that which is central within us.

We seekers of peace

cry out at the world of grief

that reminds us time and again

that we cannot embrace one another

until we learn to embrace ourselves

completely and finally..

Can I find the promised land

within me?

The uncontested sacred space,

so tranquil and protected

that nothing outside me,

nothing outside us,

can penetrate the boundaries

of the one true sanctuary?

“awakening otter”

It rings like a First Step to me and I look at it as the first true strong step I've taken in a long long time. I plan on reading this at group tonight. I know that this is what a coach would have me do and each of you has been my coach many times. Thank you for being patient and not quitting me although I have quit myself so often. read on...i am ok-

The past lives in me and because i have not allowed the pain from that past to fully express itself and rid me of old pain, old beliefs and limiting fears it manifests in my constant anxiety about the future, my future. And the future always looks like a repetition of the past because it is what in my past I have kept hidden from my own awareness and expression that gives it power over my present and the way I see the future.

The past has lived in me all these years because I chose not to “feel” the hurt. It is that simple. And if it is that simple than perhaps it is not too late, never to late to finally surrender to the truth of all that buried pain. I have only to remain willing to be open to it, to be vulnerable and to trust that feeling it and being “seen” by others in my pain will not result in my loss of anything except perhaps my endless depression.

All my false self esteem has alway required constant praise and encouragement from outside people and from outside accomplishments. My self worth had to be earned and the best and only way i could taste it, experience it even briefly was by entertaining and impressing others. Their smiles, laughter, approval and acceptance of the “performing” me seduced and addicted me to continuing to work hard for the approval and admiration but like so many “performers” who were empty of their own self love and authenticity I died when ever I was left alone without the applause of audience or the distraction of drink, and drugs, and sex and achievements, and television, and busyness. Idle hands are the devils work. Bullshit!

Idle hands and sitting still leaves me no escape from what has wanted to express and release itself all my life. Pain. That’s all. No need now even to name or explain the “why” of it. It’s here and I simply cannot run for it, I am too exhausted and despairing to run away from my pain any more. And I do know that this pain is not from my present life although more pain is created by my suppression and my avoidance of “self”.

Not living in the past but living “from the past” has been my bane. My past..all the hidden shadows locked away from awareness and admission; hidden by a belief that I should be ashamed of tears and of fear and what I judged, what the fucking world and culture judged to be “weakness”. The one thing a “real man” could never admit nor show.

Well. That show has to come to and end or there will be no change, no growth, no joy and no optimism for me. And i think I may be at the point that without change, I am no longer interested in living what feels to me to be a failure at living. The jig is up. And I pray that it stays up. i don’t want to be this shrunken crushed version of who I am meant to be. God grant me the courage and willingness to be real, to be truthful in and out of safe circles and rooms of recovery.

I have been blessed with love and mentors and others who have had to trek their own heroic journeys. i cannot live as a coward to myself any longer. I must reach out and be seen for all my fears and twisted beliefs about myself that hold me back from my own brilliant light and love. That’s all I’ve got. I suppose it’s all I need.

Nothing left here and now to say but..

Amen.

DREAM ON

you awaken one morning

and every important thing you didn’t do in your life,

every broken promise to yourself and to others

stands before you, a neglected “to do” list

regret has been writing for years now.

suddenly

the bell has rung

and all those things undone

are due today

at noon.

the unfinished painting,

the “someday” novel,

the adventures to foreign lands,

the song you wrote

and never played

for the woman you chose not to love,

so many dreams un-seized

arise now like ghosts,

and rocking back and forth

in a dreamlike stupor

you ponder the details

of the life you didn’t lead

and  wonder: 

“who made the very first rocking chair?”and when, and where?

and you're still rocking back and forth

inside yourself,

haunted by the ghosts

of deeds undone,

hoping that this morning's rising sun

will lift you up and carry you high

into the blue sky of your desires,

without you having to lift a finger.

dream on…

 But the Sun is Fine

The sky is purple from poisons,

The water an oily green,

Trees are tired and withered,

Rivers and soil bleed.

My friends are black or white,

(untruths)

The rich are bloated blue from their decadence,

The homeless are invisible and out of sight.

The ancient ones are cast aways,

The youth literally live in a virtual reality,

The earth and all our hopes are tied together

Like a twisted ball of yarn. 

The north is red faced with shame,

The south red necked with ignorance,

The women indigo from the exhaustion 

of having to remain young looking,

The men drunk stupid from  focusing 

on money, sex and sports,

No body trusts anyone anymore.

The animals are frightened, 

The plants would flee if they could.

But fear not!

The sun is feeling frisky and creative,

And keeps sending us nothing but warmth and color.

We shall adapt, 

We always do, 

This is the dark before a new dawn..

The world will become as we dream it to be. 

LOST & FOUND

A VERY LONG GAME OF LOST & FOUND

He isn’t angry any more

Like he almost always was before.

He wasn’t ready to feel the hurt,

He ran and hid and closed the door

For he was just a little boy

Who felt unsafe and lost his joy.

He isn’t hiding anymore,

He’s picked himself up off the floor,

His heart is open,

Raw and sore,

His winged grief

Is free to soar.

He cries now at a drop of affection,

An ounce of attention,

Lost and alone for 

Oh so long,

His truer voice now 

Sings his song. 

It doesn’t matter

How long he’s been gone,

What matters now

Is that he’s coming out strong

To grieve and play

To love and to learn

How to breath and embrace

All the life

For which he’s yearned.

8/2/15