A NEW DAY!

The New Day

is ablaze with possibilities,

this is light beckoning light,

stop resisting your self,

shine bright!!

WHERE THE LIGHT IS..

There is always light at the end of the tunnel, around the corner, hidden at times entirely behind the clouds. It is there when we cannot see it and are ready to quit. Don't quit. It's at that very moment that your fear screams the loudest. Feel your heart. Listen for the quiet, calm, sure voice of your soul that resides in the very center of who you truly are. That brightest of lights is inside you. The light at the end of the tunnel is...you!

HOW DO WE FORGIVE OUR FATHERS?

Missing my father today just as I missed him while trying to grow up and become a man without him. The following poem is to me deep, powerful and truthful and conveys the uncertain dance between all fathers and their sons. It is from a wonderful film called "Smoke Signals"; author os unknown to me.

             

HOW DO WE FORGIVE OUR FATHERS?

…maybe in a dream,

Do we forgive our fathers for leaving us too often

Or forever

When we were little,

Maybe for scaring us with unexpected rage

Or making us nervous

Because there never seemed to be any rage there at all.

Do we forgive our fathers for marrying

Or not marrying our mothers,

For divorcing

Or not divorcing our mothers.

And shall we forgive them

For their excesses of warmth or coldness,

Shall we forgive them for pushing

Or leaning,

For shutting doors

For speaking through walls,

Or never speaking

Or never being silent.

Do we forgive our fathers

In our age

Or in theirs,

Or in their deaths.

Saying it to them

Or not saying it.

If we forgive our fathers

What is left…

REFLECTION

     

REFLECTION

Nothing is missing here..

i am freed of all ambitions

having only the gentle signals of my body

guiding me to care for myself:

food and rest and roof,

everything else is 

 icing on my life,

i have evicted false ideas of who I am, 

Exiled all my shoulds

And am left now with an

infinite silent emptiness,

i am that perfectly still surface 

of the pond 

reflecting the vast unmoving sky,

now i am the vast sky, 

and now, 

I am what lights the sky.

NO MORE ROLE MODELS PLEASE!

40115

When I was in high school my hero and role model was Clint Eastwood. So cool he didn’t even speak!  It was very important for me to be accepted and approved of by my peers so I put forth a very cool exterior-at least what I then thought was cool. 

Then, after a break up with my high school sweetheart and a couple other punches to the heart my new role model was Spock; I chose to live in my head and close my heart off from future pain and disappointment. Heartbreak as they like to say. So now I presented myself in the world as someone invulnerable-someone who could handle life and whatever came my way. Or didn’t. Unhurtable. But as far as intimacy was concerned , incapable. I wasn’t aware of it at the time but this closing of the heart rendered me depressed for quite a while. No pain but no joy either…

Time marched on and circumstances changed and I found my self (gladly) a husband, father and employee in a job I loved. i was lucky to have been steered by the universe in spite of my attitude. 

25+ years later I find myself without a job, a wife and young children to define me to myself; things that gave me a sense of worth and solid roles to play. The question and situation now creates this question for me-“without roles, who am I-what defines me. 

Interesting as I look back I see that even while getting clean and sober after years and years of use and drug abuse, I still managed to put forth an image (of my current perception of cool). My new role model became Ghandi. A man of peace, generous with his time and love for others. This looked like the veteran Recovery Guy who sounded like he was very honest wise and happy in meetings. And I went to lots of meetings the past 15 years. The high achiever/low self esteemer was compelled to always keep up a false front because I didn’t think I could be loved/cared about by anyone unless I seemed fine. 

Pain wasn’t allowed in my family growing up. I know I’m not unique-just telling my story here for my own clarity. 

I’ve been propping up my ego all my life in order to appear okay, even happy. The truth is…I never developed a clear sense of identity or worth and these facades I live behind no longer work at all. 

As I see it. I have to get real and part of that involves revealing to others, myself and whatever God happens to be in my neighborhood-how I really feel, ALL of who I really am. Having a role model to emulate created a necessity of being who I am not. Then I would should and beat myself up every time I fell short of being what I imagined the particular role model to be. I'm done with roles and grateful that the curtain on this play has come down.