#43: Fear of Shame

Attachment to outcomes has kept me from doing many things I wanted to do over the years. Fear of bad outcomes and failing has paralyzed me. The outcome behind the outcome of my performance is “your judgment” of my performance. That’s the one I worry about. Why?

Because I learned that what others think of me defines my worth or at least the measure of my performance. Even if you separate those two, if I don’t it’s a scary event for me. So, it has been my strategy to avoid even trying because I’m afraid that if/when I fail others will see and judge me and I will feel humiliation which is something I am terrified to feel. So it’s been all about avoiding the experience of shame. 

Up until today, I thought I needed to do it perfectly or not at all so I took no chances regarding things that were really important to me. I chose to do less intimidating things and often didn’t try too hard. If I didn’t care or try than I could avoid any possibility of experiencing disappointment in myself, i.e; failure. 

    But today I re realized that what you think about me and/ or my performance is of no significance-unless I give it significance. OMG! I have a choice!

Yes, I’ve read that and heard it and said it a hundred times but i didn’t feel it in my gut until today. 

It may sound simple to you but for me it was a lightening bolt to me. Instead of shrinking away ashamed when my “outcome” is not what I hoped it would be (what you hoped it would be) I can get back up as they say, like Edison and Colonel Sanders and try again. And again and again. The thinking that will help me to do this and change the way I operate is this,” I can measure my success by my courage, persistence, and my willingness to take the chance and confront the unknown (outcome).Today I can see that just taking action is my success.

#42

    EVEN THE SUN..

even the sun

takes a day off from time to time.

the wind pulls out an old gray blanket, 

spreads it across the wide sky,

the sun calls in sick, 

then smiling, reads a bit

and takes a nap..

let clouds own this day

cooling our ambitions, 

if needed,

let rain convince us

to stay indoors,

drinking tea, playing hooky,

playing cards 

with another refugee from sweat and toil

or even all by ourselves.

#41

..ICING ON THE CAKE

The soul works through the night

Posing possibilities to consciousness,

A dream readies the dreamer

For challenges to come,

Early morning stillness

Reveals the status of the man

To himself,

We are all awaiting the great arrival

Where the pieces of all journeys

Come together

Into one grand understanding,

We are hoping to breathe easy

Before our final ah ha!

Meanwhile, with all this heady poetry

Feigning depth and thoughtfulness

I have once again forgotten to thank God

For my life and all the attendant blessings,

My lust drives my thinking

And I wake up wanting more;

More of this or that

Or better,

And faster and then

Just a little more.

Not knowing how to slow and stop and 

start residing in this moment

gratefully, blissfully

I stumble sideways,

Urgently out of balance

tripping, crashing into and through

most events

Like some comic buffoon

Prat falling for laughs,

yet no one’s laughing,

especially myself;

The performance ends,

there is no where to go and nothing more to grab onto,

,

All that I need I have right here,

Air to breathe is the first gift,

Everything after that,

Icing on the cake.

#40 DREAM ON

  DREAM ON

you awaken one morning
and every important thing you didn’t do in your life,
every broken promise to yourself and to others
stands before you, a neglected “to do” list
regret has been writing for years now.

suddenly
the bell has rung
and all those things undone
are due today
at noon.
the unfinished painting,
the “someday” novel,
the adventures to foreign lands,
the song you wrote
and never played
for the woman you chose not to love,
so many dreams unseized
arise now like ghosts,
and rocking back and forth
in a dreamlike stupor
you ponder the details
of the life you didn’t lead
and  wonder: who made
the very first rocking chair?
and when, and where?

and you're still rocking back and forth
inside yourself,
haunted by the ghosts
of deeds undone,
hoping that this morning's rising sun
will lift you up and carry you high
into the blue sky of your desires,
without you having to lift a finger.

dream on..

WE'RE MAD AS HELL AND WE'RE NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!

“OCCUPY” THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE

We have been conned into believing that our power lay in our ability to vote for the candidate of our choice. The candidates across the board tell us whatever they know we want to hear. They “sell” us on the belief that they will in fact represent our the peoples’ agenda, what we want and need for our country and from our country. 

. . well, how well does congress work these days?  Collaboration between the two parties is gone, compromise is gone and the Republicans have abandoned civility.  Our politicians are owned and controlled by the money brokers known as “lobbyists- big money, the .09%. These are  400 American billionaires that control legislature and regulations across the board which affect banking, trade,the markets, drugs, health care, etc. The government does not represent the voice of the majority, it represents the agenda of profiteering for the few. 

, 

It’s a load of crap and even well intended politicians who do get elected find their hands tied by the machinery that is fixed solidly in place and run by the good old boys, those supported by the big money.  Ceo’s are selected for powerful positions within the presidents cabinet.  Supreme Court judges are hand selected.

The government is corrupt. It is no longer a Democracy in practice. Voting is meaningless. Campaigns are funded and designed like commercials and marketing works very well on those of us who don’t take the time to separate emotional sound bytes, unsupported statements, claims and downright boldfaced lying from facts. How many of our representatives are financing romantic affairs with our tax dollars while they should be in their office earning their salary? 

The mainstream media is controlled by a few billionaires and the news isn’t news at all. It’s a commercial meant to encourage us to fight with each other: right against left, liberal against conservative, wealthy against middle class keeping us too busy blaming one another for us to notice who is really the culprit of a global economic meltdown. 

The system has to be reformed and returned to what in theory is fair and just and effective. Democracy and Capitalism are excellent systems in theory and they work well when special interest groups and individuals are not in control over them. 

The internet is a transparent vehicle. It express the voices of everyday people, everyday. It gives us hope for a truthful and fair future for all of us, our children, and the world itself. Information abounds. It’s time to start reading more. Do your own research. Don’t believe a single article or speech. Read and read some more. Without an educated public Democracy will make bad choices. I don’t mean school, I mean current affairs in our modern societies.

This isn’t about Republicans or Democrats or liberals and conservatives, but 

the 99% of us who have our government usurped from us by the power of corporate money and the corruption of our political system. Some of the corruption has even been legalized BY the corruption empowering the government. The brokers, businessmen, and movers and shakers of corporate power who have purchased and now control the media in this country and who, in collusion with many politicians who have written legislation to further empower their 1%; that’s what this is all about. 

Remember  the American Revolution and what motivated it. The cry at that Tea Party was, “No taxation without representation!”  How happy are you with the way your money is handled and what it’s being allocated for? 

The Occupy movement is simply about informing people that the current state of affairs affecting us all is due to corruption; bribery, deregulating essential constraints on banking and Wall Street. Corruption is a soft word for “crime”. When the average citizen commits a crime he goes to prison. When a political official is caught in a criminal activity, he may lose his job or his support in the next election.  Crimes that result in making and losing of billions of dollars and the transfer of that money from millions of pockets into the few. We need one another to occupy “ truth” and “fairness”...”Justice for “All”. 

We have an opportunity to grow the truth in the streets of America. It’s happening all over the world. Get caught up in the excitement of the possibility of recreating a healthy,prosperous nation that works for 100% of the people. Make your voice be heard. Don’t think someone else will do this work for you. If the movement doesn’t grow it atrophies. One way or the other. Phoenix has already dropped numbers quickly. Don’t be apart from this but become a part of this. We must become an “us” if we are going to win the day. This is our chance and the time is now!