Monday, April 6, 2015

REFLECTION

REFLECTION

Nothing is missing here..

i am freed of all ambitions

having only the gentle signals of my body

guiding me to care for myself:

food and rest and roof,

everything else is

icing on my life,

i have evicted false ideas of who I am,

Exiled all my shoulds

And am left now with an

infinite silent emptiness,

i am that perfectly still surface

of the pond

reflecting the vast unmoving sky,

now i am the vast sky,

and now,

I am what lights the sky.

Wednesday, April 1, 2015

When I was in high school my hero and role model was Clint Eastwood. So cool he didn’t even speak! It was very important for me to be accepted and approved of by my peers so I put forth a very cool exterior-at least what I then thought was cool.

Then, after a break up with my high school sweetheart and a couple other punches to the heart my new role model was Spock; I chose to live in my head and close my heart off from future pain and disappointment. Heartbreak as they like to say. So now I presented myself in the world as someone invulnerable-someone who could handle life and whatever came my way. Or didn’t. Unhurtable. But as far as intimacy was concerned , incapable. I wasn’t aware of it at the time but this closing of the heart rendered me depressed for quite a while. No pain but no joy either…

Time marched on and circumstances changed and I found my self (gladly) a husband, father and employee in a job I loved. i was lucky to have been steered by the universe in spite of my attitude.

25+ years later I find myself without a job, a wife and young children to define me to myself; things that gave me a sense of worth and solid roles to play. The question and situation now creates this question for me-“without roles, who am I-what defines me.

Interesting as I look back I see that even while getting clean and sober after years and years of use and drug abuse, I still managed to put forth an image (of my current perception of cool). My new role model became Ghandi. A man of peace, generous with his time and love for others. This looked like the veteran Recovery Guy who sounded like he was very honest wise and happy in meetings. And I went to lots of meetings the past 15 years. The high achiever/low self esteemer was compelled to always keep up a false front because I didn’t think I could be loved/cared about by anyone unless I seemed fine.

Pain wasn’t allowed in my family growing up. I know I’m not unique-just telling my story here for my own clarity.

I’ve been propping up my ego all my life in order to appear okay, even happy. The truth is…I never developed a clear sense of identity or worth and these facades I live behind no longer work at all.

As I see it. I have to get real and part of that involves revealing to others, myself and whatever God happens to be in my neighborhood-how I really feel, ALL of who I really am. Having a role model to emulate created a necessity of being who I am not. Then I would should and beat myself up every time I fell short of being what I imagined the particular role model to be. I'm done with roles and grateful that the curtain on this play has come down.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

RANT

i am a recovering editorialist. I've come to the conclusion that the world basically has always operated this way. Who has the money has the power to control the society. They can afford to buy protection for themselves by hiring armies, police, and write the legislature that creates the laws that insure they won't lose their wealth and power. Think Kings and serfs, emporers and conquerers. Wealth has always been unequally distributed and we middle class folk will never really get involved in protesting until they are poor enough to lose their comforts and conveniences. We are addicted to our comforts and it results in middle class complacency and lower class hopelessness and crime when hungry enough. When you get to write the laws that society lives by, well....what would be considered a crime by any ethical person is simply put into laws and tax loopholes and all the rest of the set up. I actually have begun to accept the unpleasant realities of human kind's behaviors and the less I protest, the happier I choose to be. Works for me. Unfairness has always existed for humans. I am complacent enough to relax and appreciate and enjoy the standard of living I am blessed with. Wealth doesn't guarantee happiness (many underdeveloped cultures have much happier people than us); they are socially connected and cooperate and support each other rather than compete. I know the line that's coming...it's better to be rich and unhappy than poor and unhappy. Then again "Freedoms just another word for nothin left to lose" is the experience of many". Remember ur youth and the adventures and connections with others that came out of it.

Friday, January 30, 2015

OUR SADNESS

The Sadness

it comes in waves

the sadness does

we think there is no end to this

and there isn’t

as long as your heart is opened to the world

you will feel all this sadness

we are disconnected from our true selves

you’ve heard this already

a million times

when you hide your sadness

you hide your heart

when you hide your heart

you imprison your joy

Grieve for your losses,

Grieve for all our losses

We are in this thing together

We are connected to one another

Whether we feel it or not.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

I'M MY OWN GRANDPA

As I was writing my memoirs this morning (yes, I'm still a legend in my own mind), I revisited my childhood basement which housed among other things..a poker table, pool table and a jukebox. The juke box was the coolest and we didn't even have to put money in it to hear it play. Early Elvis' Heartbreak Hotel is one of the two songs I do recall and that would place the year around 1955(?) or so. But the most fun song and a brain breaker was "I'm My Own Grandpa". I guess these lyrics describe an actual relative (pun intended) possibility but see for yourself:

"I'm My Own Grandpa" lyrics

Share on www.amazon.comMP3 Share on emailEmail Share on printPrint

WILLIE NELSON LYRICS

"I'm My Own Grandpa"

Now, many many years ago
When I was twenty three
I was married to a widow
Who was pretty as could be

This widow had a grown-up daughter
Had hair of red
My father fell in love with her
And soon the two were wed

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life
My daughter was my mother
'Cause she was my father's wife

To complicate the matters
Even though it brought me joy
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad
And so became my uncle
Though it made me very sad

For if he was my uncle
That also made him the brother
Of the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother

I'm my own grandpa
I'm my own grandpa
It sounds funny I know
But it really is so
I'm my own grandpa

My father's wife then had a son
That kept them on the run
And he became my grandchild
For he was my daughter's son

My wife is now my mother's mother
And it makes me blue
Because, she is my wife
She's my grandmother too

I'm my own grandpa
I'm my own grandpa
It sounds funny I know
But it really is so
I'm my own grandpa

Now, if my wife is my grandmother
Then, I am her grandchild
And every time I think of it
It nearly drives me wild

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw
As the husband of my grandmother
I am my own grandpa

I'm my own grandpa
I'm my own grandpa
It sounds funny I know
But it really is so
I'm my own grandpa

I'm my own grandpa
I'm my own grandpa
It sounds funny I know
But it really is so
I'm my own grandpa