SAILING INTO SANITY
Okay. One would think that sailing in the warm clear waters of the Caribbean in the middle of winter for a week would be a wonderful experience but that was not the case for me recently. Over the past 2 years I have developed more intimate relationships with others by being more vulnerable and truthful about myself. There are friends I’ve made who know me and care about me; there are new friends I find myself caring more about as they reveal themselves more deeply. Perhaps that’s why the Caribbean vacation was not satisfying for me. I have grown accustomed to and desirous of, more honest, more intimate relationships with others (and myself).
My expectations: I sailed for two months in 1980 from Mobile ,Alabama to Jaimaca over the course of nearly 2 months. It was a long, slow and at times harrowing journey but overall, an unforgettable adventure. There were many challenges and changes and my resourcefulness was tested time and again. I experienced the perfect calm of sunrises as well as battering waves and drenching rains. The contrasts made me better appreciate serene circumstances when they occur and my own abilities to survive difficult ones as well.
When i signed up for this cruise I was picturing the extremes of my previous trip through the Bahamas clear waters, dangerous reefs and the normal rule that Murphys Law manifests on the seas at times-whatever can go wrong will do so at the very most inopportune moments.
Instead this trip consisted of was a series of island hopping or “bar hopping” where we would work ourselves up into an overindulgent party of eating, drinking and touristy souvenir shopping that goes along with fleeting pleasures of distractions. Each day was primarily a recuperation from hangover so that by nightfall we were ready once again to party. Laughter, silliness, sex and other fun stuff is wonderful at times but not when a foundation of honest friendship has not been first established.
The people were nice of course. They were regular human beings acting like most of us do most of the time. But I discovered I’d become accustomed to hearing others share openly about their pain, there shortcomings and struggles. I discovered that I have a need to be “seen” and accepted for who and how I honestly am in the moment. There is a certain response of compassion and connection when we are allowed to see into another person. Real love is a powerful and satisfying experience and evidently I’ve become accustomed to and expectant of more loving real interactions with others. That certainly did not happen that week on the waters and I am not holding any of the wonderful people I sailed with responsible for my experience. I myself did nothing to make things different than they were; i did not “become” the change I wish to see in the world-instead I withdrew emotionally and withheld the truth of my experience biding my time, holding my breath, waiting for the trip to end.
I can’t party like I once did. I have tasted too much unconditional love and acceptance to remain satisfied with anything less.
Interestingly, i didn’t have much clarity during the experience; I was simply reacting as I usually do when faced with a reality I did not want-I went into behaviors. I ran (withdrew emotionally), and I lied (by going along and not sharing truthfully how I felt and what I thought. I behaved privately like a victim and I did not ask for what I needed so there was no way to have things go differently. I assumed or expected that others would reject more truthful intimate conversation but I really don’t know what would have happened if I’d been truer to myself and shared that truth with others.
It was’t the worst time of my life but it did repeat the experience i’d had several months before when I went out on a sojourn wanting certain things to happen and when they didn’t, I felt disappointed, confused, fearful, and sad. So. What am I learning?
Fortunately I am learning that all the “pleasures” I used to enjoy in lieu of a truer more sustainable state of happiness not longer fill the bill. It’s hard to appreciate vinyl jackets parading as leather once you’ve had leather. And this is all good news. The fact that I am more conscious of choices I make and my emotional responses to those choices is leading me to a different life altogether. A life in which I seek truthful interactions with others. A life in which I am becoming more and more comfortable being who I really am and not worrying so much whether others will like and accept me or judge and reject me. I guess the most productive journeys I can take are those that lead me within where I can discover better who I am which leads to me becoming better able to know what I want and need which puts me in a better position to make caring healthier choices.
Your own responses are welcome here and i hope to generate dialogue between us that supports all of our journeys towards a more enlightened, healthier and happier life experience.
Namaste.
